Whistleblower

“Do you have information about a company that you think has violated federal consumer financial laws? Are you a current or former employee of such a company, an industry insider who knows about such a company, or even a competitor being unfairly undercut by such a company? If so, the CFPB wants to hear from you.”
- Recent CFPB blog post.

Like a siren’s song, the lure of tips from a whistleblower has sunken many a governmental investigatory ship. A scene like this will be sure to follow the CFPB’s post.

This is the city. There are thousands of stories here, and this is one.

It’s a rainy night in the big city. Under a dimly lit streetlight in the bad part of town, two characters in trench coats meet. One is nervous, chain-smoking, oblivious to the downpour. The other is me. I work here. I carry a badge and work for the CFPB. My name is Thursday.

“Psst. Thursday?”

“No, it’s Wednesday, why do you ask?”

“No, are you Thursday, the guy I talked to on the phone? I’ve some news for youse.”

“Oh. Yes, I’m Thursday. What do you have? Just the facts.”

“I hoid that Wurst National Bank sometimes pays customers into overdraft status and then charges them a fee for doing so.”

“You don’t say.”

"Yeah, and that’s not all. Some of them fat cat bankers have been seen driving new Lincolns. I think the bank is making a profit”

“What? Are you sure about this?”

“I seen it with my own eyes. I even got a free checking account there to see if it was true. I wrote a check when I didn’t have no money in the account, and they charged me a fee.”

“Was it reasonable? Was it representative of the actual cost to the bank for handling an NSF item or was it exorbitant, indicating unfair, deceptive, and abusive acts and practices? You know, UDAAP.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. How much was the fee?”

“5 fins. $25 clams.”

"Huh?"

"$25."

“Those lowlifes! Don’t they know that you are underemployed due to the failed economic policies of Reganites and can’t afford the luxury of paying a fee for simply overdrawing your account, even though it was intentional?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. What else you got for me?”

“Well…they gave me a toaster for opening the account, but it’s only a two-holer and a bagel won’t fit in it.”

“I knew it! I’m taking down those crooks. When bankers start handing out free toasters and without considering that you might need a bagel toaster for toasted bagels to go with your morning espresso, that makes my blood boil.”

“What are you going to do, Thursday?”

“Enforcement; outreach to civil rights, community, and industry groups; and consumer education and engagement. That’s what I do. Those bums will never know what hit them.”

“So, like is there a reward or something in this for me? You know I put myself out there for you. I might not be able to open another free account for six months.”

“Don’t worry, buddy. The CFPB will get you a new ID. We have ways of going around the CIP rules.”

“Great! I gotta go now. I don’t anyone to catch me standing around a G-man.”

“Wait. Where will I find you if I need you to answer some more questions?”

“10th tent down on the left at Occupy Wall Street. It’s right next to the free wireless tent and across from the free Starbucks tent.”

Thursday pulls the coat tighter around him and watches his tipster walk away into the dark, all the while knowing that he had used the man. Yes, it was heartless and cruel, but the CFPB doesn’t cater to weaklings. There are bad bankers out there, it was Thursday’s job to ferret them out and put them out of business, whatever the cost.